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The Storm Before the Calm



Perhaps this post seems a bit incongruous with my previous post, but I am nothing if not a bundle of contradictions... And I'm trying to give myself permission to feel what I feel in the moment without fearing its defining me.  Today was rough - on call, migraine, 5 admissions so far, 6 more hours to go...then outpatient clinic starting at 0800. 

The creeping hysteria, the burgeoning distress, the protracted strain nibble at the edges of my consciousness like so many tiny fish, slowly eroding my equinamity...
(I pick at patches of my skin that redden and crack and peel with the stress)

The accumulating responsibilities, the never-ending tasks, the looming transitions swarm my thoughts like innumerable buzzing insects, paralyzing me with indecision and doubt...
(I don my metaphorical mosquito net and repress the panic with distracting inanities)

The sleepless nights, the unexpressed grief, the unventilated pressures enervate my spirit like insatiable leeches, sapping my empathy and patience...
(I retreat to my fortress of pillows and poetry and disengage)

The dismissive "there, there," the unhelpful "could be worse," the unsympathetic "c'est la vie" fill me with impotent indignation like a caged predator, diminishing my sense of self...
(I force the bilious retorts back down my throat and remind myself that no one really cares... they have their own concerns)

The niggling irritants, the daily disasters, the heedless cruelties coil tightly in my gut like a viper readying to strike, taxing my tolerance and restraint...
(I allow the detritus of daily living to accumulate while I avoid dealing)

The gnawing guilt (I shouldn't feel this way), the shaming "should haves," the unrelenting "what now" squeeze my soul like a cold-blooded constrictor, leaving me empty...
(I tell my Pollyanna inner voice with its "this too shall pass" to shut the fuck up)


Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
f_m_r_l
Apr. 23rd, 2012 10:49 am (UTC)
It sounds like you need a vacation, a time to just be able to let go for a bit without feeling guilty about it. Is it possible to give yourself a small vacation—a day sufficiently far enough away (next town, next state, whatever works for you) that the things pestering you can't be in your face? A beach, a museum, a cluttered little second hand shop, a hiking trail....

I know that avoidance doesn't work long term, but every once in a while a breather can help with the coping.

That's my attempt to help, there. *sigh* Let me know if there's something else I could be doing.
antesqueluz
Apr. 25th, 2012 02:42 am (UTC)
Thanks for this. I think a change of pace is in order. I have this coming weekend off, so I'm just trying to hang on til then. I just appreciate the listening ear. *hugs*
smudley
Apr. 23rd, 2012 12:12 pm (UTC)
{{HUGS}} Sometimes the very best thing you can do for yourself is to let yourself FEEL whateverthehellyouwant and shove guilt far, far off to the side, while telling that Pollyanna voice to STFU. I know I'm just a "disembodied" spirit in LJ land, but when I say I do care and wish very much that I could offer you practical, situation-changing assistance, or even just a shoulder to cry on, I mean that as sincerely as if I were standing right in front of you, face to face. Do absolutely whatever you must to be very very good to yourself right now, okay? And as f_m_r_l said, let me know if there's anything I can do, anything in the world you can think of, it's done, to the very best of my ability. Hang in there! {{More Hugs}}

Edited at 2012-04-23 12:12 pm (UTC)
antesqueluz
Apr. 25th, 2012 02:48 am (UTC)
Just being willing to listen to my rambling is huge and I appreciate it so. *hugs back*
smudley
Apr. 23rd, 2012 12:15 pm (UTC)
{{HUGS}} Oh, and btw -- I know this probably isn't enough to cheer you right now, but may I just say that you're a BRILLIANT writer? ::scampering away now::
antesqueluz
Apr. 25th, 2012 02:49 am (UTC)
Aww, shucks. :-'} Thanks, sweetheart. *hugs*
(Deleted comment)
antesqueluz
Apr. 25th, 2012 02:52 am (UTC)
*hugs back* Thanks, darling. <3
tweedisgood
Apr. 24th, 2012 12:29 pm (UTC)
*At the moment* there's the key phrase, seems to me. A moment cannot define anything more than that moment. You feel what you feel because there is no doubt good reason to do so. That does not cancel out or minimise equally true moments when you are (and will be again) filled with purpose and meaning and hope and energy.

Meantime, have a well-meant but probably inadequate internet hug, m'dear. Hold on there.
antesqueluz
Apr. 25th, 2012 02:55 am (UTC)
*hugs back* Thank you so much for your wise words. I find them very encouraging...and I truly appreciate the virtual hug, as well. :-)
angus_honey
Apr. 24th, 2012 11:01 pm (UTC)
It's v.intense...but I bet it's like a physical relaese to actually get the words out and documented about how you feel...and that was your storm...and now you should be calm(ish)!! :O)
antesqueluz
Apr. 25th, 2012 02:59 am (UTC)
It is something of a relief to just get it out there...and I know deep down that Pollyanna is right, so there is a measure of calm. :-)
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )