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11/12/13

Where has the time gone?!? It's been since July? Seriously? I can hardly believe it. I wonder if anybody will even care to read anything I post anymore...but I must say the folks here have been on my mind.

Where do I even begin? I feel psychologically constipated. I've written a few lines here and there over the last few months, but I haven't even been able to put into words what I've been feeling and thinking. I thought I might just post all of the bits and pieces, but instead I picked the one thing that I think best encapsulates it:

Life has often been described as a path. It's the straight and narrow, the long and winding road, a one-way street. But I've found it to be an endless series of crossroads, a tangled web of interlocking paths and trails. Some are well defined and offer clear choice, clear destinations (or stop-offs, at least); others are poorly-marked and the implications of following them less clear (though even the widest, calmest boulevard may have unexpected twists and turns). I hate the anticipation of the major crossroads of life, trying to decide which avenue to take before you come up to the turnoff. Sometimes the intersection is more like a roundabout and I get stuck in nauseating indecision, going round and round and round in a sort of bizarre circular limbo. I feel like that's where I am now, spinning my wheels in frenzied uncertainty trying to figure out which path to follow, which road to tread. If I go the wrong way, pick a poor path, end up at a dead end or a bad place, can I get back? That's what scares me.

I wrote that in June, and it's still apropos. So I've been using my favorite immature coping mechanism and repressing. But I've had about 5 weeks out of work between jobs with nowhere to go and too much time for introspection. I spent the first 3 weeks between the bed and the couch. Mostly in the bed. I've been trying to catch up and store up as much sleep as possible - usually between 3:00 am and 3:00 pm. But I've made the decisions, for better or worse, and I'm ready to face the future now.  I'm leaving the drama and heartache and bullshit that's been weighing me down behind. It's done.  I'll be moving next week to a small town and will start my practice at the beginning of December. It's incredibly scary, and incredibly exciting. It's time to take the path, follow it with conviction, and not worry about the what ifs.  Easier said than done, right?  But I'm gonna give it my best.

Comments

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
beesandbrews
Nov. 13th, 2013 03:50 am (UTC)
New start. New opportunities. Life is a series of adventures.

Best of luck settling in to your new practice/ life!
antesqueluz
Nov. 26th, 2013 01:44 am (UTC)
Thanks so much! :-)
pityparties
Nov. 13th, 2013 03:56 am (UTC)
psychologically constipated…i know exactly how that feels. -hugs- i'm glad you've written here to let us know how you're doing. i hope the transition to your new home/practice goes smoothly. facing the future and cutting loose from the anchors of past mistakes can be the hardest thing ever. i'm glad you're doing it for yourself. i wish you all the best, and i know you'll be wonderful.
antesqueluz
Nov. 26th, 2013 01:46 am (UTC)
Thanks so much, bb! I've missed you! Hope things are well with you. Much love!
severina2001
Nov. 15th, 2013 04:23 pm (UTC)
Now that you've made the decision, it will be all forward motion and new exciting adventures from here on out. Making that decision is the hardest part.

YOU WILL BE AWESOME.
antesqueluz
Nov. 26th, 2013 01:47 am (UTC)
Thank you so much, dear. I greatly appreciate your kind words. Hope you are doing well. :-)
angus_honey
Nov. 15th, 2013 05:06 pm (UTC)
Great to see you back...and having made the decision it's now almost upon you! I have to say that reading your posts over the years I don't think you've made a wrong decision and your psychological constipation may be a v.good thing... Remember that fools rush in...

Anyhoo...all that training and hard work has come to fruition and now you just have hard work ahead of you so good luck... (But I'm sure you'll be just hunky-dory!)

Now all you have to do is message me with your new address so I can send you a Christmas card...

D xx
antesqueluz
Nov. 26th, 2013 01:53 am (UTC)
Thanks, dear! I appreciate it. Hope you are well.
f_m_r_l
Nov. 17th, 2013 10:15 pm (UTC)
I wish you the very best of luck. You're entering the situation with training, experience, and forethought — good resources. Knock 'em dead. Go show them what you've got!
antesqueluz
Nov. 26th, 2013 01:54 am (UTC)
Ha! That made me laugh out loud. Thanks so much, dear. I greatly appreciate your kind words. Hope you are doing well. :-)
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )