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Time won't let me go...

I don't like the thought of going through phases, of being in a phase, or something being just part of a phase. I like to think of myself as being steadfast and true, unwavering in my devotion. But phases are part of life.  We can't grow without change, and change is a natural part of life. There's a point in childhood development that I think is a good demonstration of this. In early childhood kids will attempt to hold items in only one hand.  They won't think to reach with their other hand. So, in order to pick up something new they have to put down whatever they're holding. That's so scary for us - to put down what we're holding to pick up something else, even if the something else is better. All too often I hang on with a white-knuckled grip when there is something better just within my grasp.  I stick to the threadbare comfort of routine even when I find no joy or pleasure in it anymore. It's just background noise. I restlessly change the channel and check my inbox and like and fav and bookmark while a knot settles in my stomach and I have to ask myself why. I'm just punching the clock 'til bedtime, 'til time to get up again, 'til quitting time, 'til what?

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
pityparties
Jun. 14th, 2014 05:31 am (UTC)
i relate to what you're feeling so much it's downright eerie--you've put into words what i've been feeling this past year. it's like being on autopilot, but instead of feeling at ease there's almost a desperation about it. like, if you let go, veer off the path even just a little, you'll spin out of control. it's feeling stuck and feeling scared all in the same breath, at least for me. i feel like radiohead's "no surprises" describes my exact mood atm. i've got to make a change, even a small one. i've got to do it so i stop feeling so much like a figure in a cuckoo clock. -hugs- hope your restlessness and routine ease soon, darlin'. tell me how you manage it!
antesqueluz
Jun. 14th, 2014 04:47 pm (UTC)
Yes. It's an anxious sort of stick-to-it-iveness. Running the hamster wheel because I don't know what else to do, how else to be. It's the little things. I definitely relate to your song. I've had "Painting Pictures of Egypt" stuck in my head - "I don't want to leave here, I don't want to stay. It feels like pinching to me either way." http://youtu.be/dbikUG_go7M

*sigh* Baby steps. Just baby steps.

On another note, I have recently discovered that I have a mouse in my house. Spotted it last night as it scurried across from my dog's dish to the kitchen sink. It actually stopped and looked at me before it dove into a crack under the cabinet. It's some kind of cosmic thing, dude. Now I'm just contemplating the best way to rid myself of it. Too bad my dog's not a mouser...
pityparties
Jun. 15th, 2014 03:44 am (UTC)
damn, the opening lyrics to that song are so perfect right now. thanks for sharing, it's lovely. running the hamster wheel is tricky business. it's definitely bested many a good hamster. just gotta keep reminding yourself there's always a way out. even if you stumble in the dark blindly towards it, you'll eventually get there and that's what matters.

i can't believe you've got an uninvited guest right now, ah. i feel like i jinxed you or something. be wary of poisonous box trap thingies. mice seem to like those for climbing. :/
f_m_r_l
Jul. 2nd, 2014 06:07 pm (UTC)
Try one new thing at a time until you find something that fits? I have an app that reminds me to try things and suggests things to try. Unfortunately, it's part of a program I'm in and you're not eligible so I can't recommend mine to you, but there's probably other stuff like it out there.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )