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Who am I?  How did I get here again? 

It's so easy to get lost under all the different hats that I have to wear.  I feel like some kind of half-ass chameleon.  My speech patterns and accent shift and change depending on the context and content of the conversation.  My mannerisms and demeanor fluctuate with the company I'm in.  I think I'm me, but sometimes I'm not sure if I'm really me or just some kind of elaborate facade slapped together in an attempt to suit the moment.  I get frustrated w/ myself sometimes because feel like I change so much to fit into the perceived expectations of the situation/people/place I find myself confronted with.  Am I tryin' to "be all things to all people," or am I just lost?  I find myself going through the motions, getting from point A to point B just to get there w/o any real purpose.  I just slog on, checking off the check boxes because I have to, without any sense of the bigger picture - the WHY.  I've forgotten how I got here and why I started down this path - rocky and rewarding as it's been.  Sometimes it shocks me to see where I've gotten thus far.  There are these moments, glimmers, that remind me why I do this and why I love it.  It gets overshadowed too often by the dailiness of it all. 

Excuse the introspective crap.  I've been thinking about the next phase - lots of decisions in the next year as I complete my residency training - and it's daunting.  Forces me to reevaluate my priorities.  I feel like I have to get the rest of my life figured out right now.  Ha!  As if any of us ever get it figured out.  (They don't, do they?)  Somehow putting all this nonsense into the ether makes me feel better...

Comments

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
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antesqueluz
Apr. 16th, 2011 01:34 am (UTC)
It's such a good song! Thanks for your good wishes. And you're so right about the listlessness that results from losing sight of the big picture. It's always good to get you head up over the miasma of the everyday and get some fresh air!
persnickett
Apr. 15th, 2011 02:11 am (UTC)
Heh. I like that song too. :)

I do that too. Sometimes I think the same thing. That I should have the guts to be 'me' instead. Then, other times I think it's probably natural that the company you keep influences you, that you become like the people you spend time with, and that people feed off each others' engergies. Some people just do it faster on walking into a room than others.

Residency! Oh congrats. You must be a very busy person. The answer is, no, nobody ever figures it out. Life is the journey, not a destination, blah blah, trope-ity blah. It sounds like you are a person who makes good decisions. You've gotten here, you'll make the right one. One thing though that I always try to remember these days is the importance of doing what you love, not what seems the most 'practical' necessarily. Sure, it's no good just bein' a bum...but being too serious never got anyone anywhere fulfilling either.

I'm glad typing it out made you feel better at least.

antesqueluz
Apr. 16th, 2011 01:39 am (UTC)
Thanks so much for your kind words. I am among those easily influenced - not in substance so much as form. I think I was staying w/ relatives in Minnesota (I'm from the land of "y'all") for all of 1 day before I said "you betcha" w/o even realizing it. :-)

You're right - doing what you love is the best way to stay true to yourself.

persnickett
Apr. 16th, 2011 02:29 am (UTC)
True! It also has the handy side effect of leading you to a career path that you actually enjoy. :)
writer_klmeri
Apr. 15th, 2011 03:12 am (UTC)
There are times when we just can't see what's ahead of us, and that can be scary. It's normal to question the path you are on; the best you can do for yourself is consider what you have to work with and use that to make a decision about where to head next. Remember, going in one direction isn't a set course. And if you have to switch directions a few times, that's perfectly okay.

Figuring out the rest of your life is just what you called it - a feeling. Even if you did come up with a plan, chances are something will come along to change that plan for you, if it's not you who does so.

Take some deep breaths. Questioning is good. You'll be okay!
antesqueluz
Apr. 16th, 2011 01:42 am (UTC)
Thanks for the encouragement. I think I do tend to think of every decision as permanent, as if I'm locked in once I set out on a path. Have you seen that video of the kid after the dentist? He was so distressed when he asked his dad "Is this gonna be forever?" It's good to be reminded that there will be bends in the road.
shouldboverthis
Apr. 15th, 2011 05:04 am (UTC)
I understand and sympathize completely. It's not trying to be all things. I look at it as trying to empathize with people and understand where they are in their lives. And I consider it a great skill. :)
antesqueluz
Apr. 16th, 2011 01:45 am (UTC)
Thanks so much for the encouraging words. :-)
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antesqueluz
Apr. 16th, 2011 01:47 am (UTC)
Thanks so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it!
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )